Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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