I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
well you can't waste a boner
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
