420 ftw
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
