i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I take back everything I said about communal showers
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
