If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
