I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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