she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
