stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Pants are for mortals
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Randomize
