I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Randomize
