My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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