It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
