i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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