I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
