I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
