I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
