he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
one might say we're banned from that church
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
