so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
