smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
