The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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