Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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