are you still at the devil's house?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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