Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
