I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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