i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
