Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
