I think I am morally bankrupt
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I touched a dick in church today
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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