Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
