I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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