just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
