I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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