Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
