he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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