at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
