No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
