drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
