Swine flu. Run for my life!
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
