I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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