youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
