holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
