Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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