Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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