You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Randomize
