My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
