Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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