I just made out with a guy for $7.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
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Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
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And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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