Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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