I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Randomize
