I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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