My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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