Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
