My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
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