pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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