Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
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You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
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And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
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