Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
