I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
