i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
