Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
