fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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