Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
