i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
