Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
